She was describing a challenge in one of her relationships and how she would normally respond to the person giving her grief. She said, “I know that I could give him my advice, but ‘the me I like better’ asks more questions.”

That’s a wonderful way to describe doing something differently, of striving for personal improvement.

When do you experience the “me I like better?” How can you be her or him today? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Waiting for Paul McCartney. July 31, 2011, Wrigley Field, Chicago.

Paul McCartney turns 70 (!) this year. I had the privilege of seeing him last summer when he came to Wrigley Field for a concert. He was amazing. As you can tell by the photo we were way, way up; thank God for the large video screens so we could see the performance.

Sir Paul had incredible energy and his voice was strong. It was a very warm and humid summer evening, and there he was in a suit coat, long-sleeved shirt and long pants. He eventually took off the coat and rolled up his sleeves, but the concert was outdoors and he sang under hot lights. Personally, I would have melted, and that’s why I don’t make a living singing in concerts.

The Beatles are part of my earliest memories. And since he was already a grown up when I was a kid, I wasn’t sure exactly how old he was. On the way home I looked him up in Wikipedia; he was born in 1942. Time has been kind to him; he looks like a healthy, happy older man.

Granted, he is vegan, which surely contributes to his great energy, vitality and good looks. I also believe there’s something more. He’s been doing something he loves for virtually all his adult life. There was a point in the concert where he was singing “The End” off Abbey Road: “And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.” He blew a kiss to the audience, pointed to his heart and then back to the crowd. The love “exchange” was palpable. It was a memorable moment in an extraordinary evening.

The next day I facilitated Job Seekers, a support group for people looking for work. We talked about meaningful work, of striking a chord (no pun intended) between what we do for a living and who we are. Anyone who’s ever had a glimpse of doing what they’re meant to do knows how incredible it feels. Often we lose all track of time, all awareness of things around us. Sometimes it washes over us as profound gratitude for being alive, as strength to persevere through obstacles and disbelief. Some of us catch a glimpse for a day, maybe a little longer. Others, like Sir Paul, have the privilege of experiencing it for an entire career.

We can all be so fortunate. If you’re still experiencing dissonance between who you are and what you do, get a good coach or therapist. Speaking from my experience, and the experience of many of my clients, you probably already know what it is you need to do to live your purpose. If it were easy, you’d be doing it already. Someone who cares (and who has no interest in keeping you where you are) can help you acknowledge what you already know; they can help you find strength and courage to overcome whatever challenges you face. It is so worth it, and a way of making the most of your life.

Our world needs you and your love. What are you waiting for?

Resentments are funny things. At first we feel resentful or angry toward someone for things they did or didn’t do toward us. Sometimes others have been quite horrible and we’re furious, other times we experience a slight and still get mad (you know, like when another driver does something you don’t like).

Recovering people in 12 Step Programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) get to make “a searching and fearless inventory,” and the suggested way to do this, at least by AA’s Big Book (page 65) is to list your resentments: who you’re mad at, why and how this affects you. At first many people look at this and wonder what this has to do with their own “defects of character” or personality flaws. “I’m resentful and it’s the other person’s problem.”

Well, guess what. Whether you’re in a 12 Step Program or not, resentments are not the other person’s problem. You’re the one who’s angry. You’re the one affected by another’s actions or inactions. “Resentments corrode the container they’re in.”  And there’s really no peace until you’re willing to heal them–and yourself.

So what do you do, especially if you don’t “qualify” for an appropriate 12 Step Group? Start with identifying your resentments; you can use the AA example. List who you’re mad at and why. Keep going. Write it all down. After a while, when you look at your resentments more closely, you’ll likely discover some unmet expectations. You may have left these expectations unspoken or perhaps they’re unrealistic. Notice they are your expectations.

Having expectations for others to live up to when they don’t or can’t is like doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. And when you get resentful, you’re ingesting some of the poison you’re directing at them.

This is also not to tell you not to be angry. Being mad is a human emotion, just like happiness. Anger can be quite informative, when you allow it to be so. The point is not to take up residence in your anger.

If you’re not sure you want to let resentments go, imagine yourself as a balloon filled with helium, tied to the ground by rocks and stones. You know that to soar is your purpose, and yet you’re held back. By untying yourself from the rocks of resentment, you can disengage yourself from them and rise higher and higher until eventually you’ll soar. Picture for a moment what the view looks like. You’ve seen a helium balloon held down for too long; it loses its buoyancy until it’s nothing but a smaller, weaker version of its former self. The rocks don’t care, they’re doing what rocks do. They sit there. They don’t need balloons to serve their purpose.

If you’re having trouble managing your expectations or anger or letting go of your resentments, you may want to talk to a therapist or counsellor. And if you’re in the Chicago area, I’d be happy to discuss with you whether I’m a good fit for you

Now let’s soar!

Trying to get rid of fear using brute force, sheer willpower or hatred may cover it for a while, but fear is still there, under the surface waiting to rise up again. Courage or faith can get you past a fearful situation and may even give you momentum to change.  Loving your fears can dissolve them and transform your life.

OK. Let’s look at something you fear: spiders, traffic, your job, the dark, success, failure, the economy, whatever. Now become very still within yourself. Think of your fear and notice your thoughts, your body, your breathing. Chances are when you think of that which you are afraid, your body is responding with tightness, maybe pain or discomfort. Maybe you didn’t feel anything or the whole idea of thinking about what you fear sparked a desire to run away.

Whatever your experience in the last exercise, please try this one next: breathe calmly, and become aware of your breath, the physical experience of breathing, what it’s like in your body. If you can, try to feel your heartbeat; put your hand over your chest or find your pulse if necessary.  Now imagine with each inhalation you’re breathing in love; allow each exhale to send love to something in front of you physically or mentally. After a few breaths like this, imagine that which you fear. Send it love. Give love to that creepy spider you saw in your home last night. Send love to your boss, your in-laws, your child or spouse. Breathe love to your bank, your checkbook, your mortgage and bills. Breathe love to the situation that scares you the most. Keep breathing love to it (or them) whenever you remember today. It may take time, it does with many of my own fears; and after a while you’ll notice that some, if not all, of your fear is softening or dissolving. You may find yourself doing that which you’ve been avoiding. Your thinking about whatever you’re afraid of will likely change, and with it the emotions and behaviors around it.  This exercise can transform, not only your fears but your life.

Whatever your experiences after this exercise, I’d love to hear from you. If you enjoyed this kind of breathing, I encourage you to check out the Institute for Applied Meditation (IAM): http://www.appliedmeditation.org

What if we shift our perspective and consider Love as an action verb? Verbs describe a state of being, an occurrance or an action. What happens when we shift from feeling to action?

Think about someone you Love. What first comes to mind? Probably a feeling: “I Love my kids and feel warm inside when I think of them.” How Loving, as a feeling, were you to him/her/them today? “Well, I got frustrated they took so long and made me late for work.” How did you Love, as an action, him/her/them today? “Well I fed them, made their lunches and got them to school.”

I believe it was Steven Covey who first planted this seed of Love As An Action Verb in my head. When I think of acting Love, even if it means acting “as if,” I soften and become aware of things I can do that are kind and appreciative. When I Love my pets, I attend to them; I feed them, clean up after them, pet them and play with them. When I Love my family or friends, I spend time with them, engage with them, converse with them, do kind things for them. When I Love my colleagues and clients, I support them in doing their best work. When I Love myself, I am kind to myself and do things for myself that are life-affirming. The list of Love in our lives can continue to infinity.

We’re heading into Valentine’s Day, a difficult holiday when we’re not feeling Love. When we’re acting Love, the brittleness of the holiday–and our hearts–can melt away like ice in the warmth of the sun. If we’re fortunate enough this Valentine’s Day to feel Love, we can also act Love and experience the results.

I encourage you, whether you feel Love this coming Tuesday or not, to use the day to act Love. I’d Love to know what happens.

Call out your inner troll and watch your life move forward.

We all have them, the inner voices that tell us we’re doing something incorrectly, that we’re not “enough”, that we’re unlovable, unworthy, etc.  Many of you may know them as your “inner critic.” Some have described it as “my psycho roommate” or “the voice of darkness.” Recently I read a blog about someone’s “inner troll” and that hit a nerve.

For clarity, I’m not talking about the kind of troll in a children’s story, the gatekeepers who make you give a password or answer a riddle. Rather, the troll I’m describing is the kind of snarky, mean and usually anonymous comments you often see on blogs, websites, and special-interest Facebook pages.

Inner trolls are similar to Internet trolls:  they’re sneaky, barely identifiable sources of snarky and mean comments about anything and everything.

Take a listen to what thoughts come to you next time you’re doing something. Heck, your inner troll might even be talking to you at this moment: “You’re wasting so much time on the computer/how can you still be in your pajamas/you’ll never be a success if you do that….”

Trolls, both the inner and Internet variety, are insidious in that they insist that their opinion is right and the only way to think. They want to engage you, not to broaden their own horizons, but to hard-sell you on their way of thinking. It’s a frustrating, ugly exercise. Internet trolls are usually anonymous and therefore unaccountable; inner trolls disguise themselves as a well-meaning loved one so you accept it as true and rarely, if ever question their statements.

So what do you do? I believe inner trolls are a fact of life and the strategy is to control their volume or power, as they may not silence permanently. Here are some suggested steps:

1. Listen to what you tell yourself. Just listen. No judgment, just listen.
2. Once you have a sense of what chatter is going on in your head, learn to discern what’s positive (probably motivating and not your inner troll) and negative (probably punishing and definitely an inner troll).
3. Acknowledge the comment. One of my friends who’s a regular in 12 Step meetings says, “Thanks for sharing.”
4. If you can, find the truth in the statement. Chances are there’s something there that is making it “stick.” If the comment were completely absurd (“you are a pink mouse,” for example) it would have no staying power.
5. How might this truth connect to something you want for yourself? For example, if you’re hearing snide comments about what you chose to wear, how you look is likely important to you.
6. Create an alternative statement. Using the example in #5, you might say to your inner troll, “Thanks for sharing. You know, it’s important for me to look my best. While you may not like this combination, it feels very comfortable for me today and I like it.”
7. If taming your inner troll becomes too challenging, please seek professional help. Any good therapist can help you deal with the negative messages you tell yourself.

Just like Internet trolls, when you call out an inner troll and acknowledge it, you remove a lot of its power. Trolls like to hide. Call yours out and watch your life move forward.

If you’ve been keeping your resolutions, you’re probably seeing some benefits already. Maybe you’re eating better and/or exercising, and you’re probably feeling more energized. If you’ve been consistent with your effort, congratulations! Today’s post isn’t for you.

But if you, like me, had the best of intentions in mind when setting the resolution and stumbled, fell or outright didn’t even try, please read on. Allow my public stumble to inspire you to either get back on track or forgive yourself and move on.

When our goals get off track, we have a few options:

1. We can try to force ourselves to comply (not recommended, it rarely works).
2. We can figure out why they derailed, take steps to fix the plan, recommit to the original goal and work from the new plan.
3. We can change the goal into one that’s more realistic.
4. In a similar vein we can defer to begin the goal.  Example: if you resolved to exercise outside and the weather is unsafe to do so or you are not yet properly outfitted.
5. We can scrap the goal completely, forgive ourselves and move on.

Now let’s consider how a coach might guide you to putting your goal back on track. This is very abbreviated, but you’ll get the idea. Feel free to substitute yourself as the client.

Coach: What was it you decided to do?

Client: I said I wanted to blog three days a week.

Coach: Why is this important and for whom?

Client: Well, it would be a way to write regularly, which I enjoy. Perhaps it could help someone over a rough spot or otherwise connect with someone.

Coach: What happened?

Client: I got busy. I never sat down and looked realistically at my schedule to figure out when I would write, edit and post. I took the couple of days of the holiday and assumed that the rest of the year would offer as much free time as the holiday. Then I got distracted with everyday life and work. And after that I got overwhelmed and embarrassed once I missed the first week’s posts.

Coach: How important is this goal to you?

Client: Very important. I love to write and blogging is an excellent fit.

Coach: How much, if at all, are you willing to recommit to your goal?

Client: I very much want to continue with this goal. Maybe three days a week isn’t realistic. I could, however, commit to posting at least once a week.

Coach: How can you do things differently?

Client: I could schedule time for my writing. When I write everyday I can post in advance.

Coach: When will you write? And how would you like me to hold you accountable?

Client: I’d like to write first thing when I get to the office, before other things push it aside.

In the example above, you can see I as the client chose options 2 & 3: change the plan and change the goal. I’ll make a deal with you: you know my modified resolution (post once a week). Now take your goal and apply steps 2, 3, 4 or 5 above. Let me know wht you choose and how it works.

Let’s say you’re resolved to lose weight.  You know you’ll look and feel better, and your health will improve. All of these are good reasons to make the effort to lose weight.  Whether they are enough to keep you on track when temptation nears is a post for another day.

Sometimes our resolutions are what someone else wants for us. We’re afraid our spouse will leave us if we don’t lose weight or stop a bad habit. Maybe we’re tired of being scolded by the doctor. Or we’re afraid that we’ll die at a young age. While fear is a powerful motivator, especially at first, it may not keep you from grabbing a donut, drink or cigarette when you’re unexpectedly stressed.

I had a friend who resolved to lose weight one year because it was New Year’s and “you’re supposed to make resolutions” then. Her efforts at losing weight were barely lukewarm, even though she did something she thought she should and made a resolution.

Whether you’re completely committed to positive changes in this coming year or you’re still considering whether you want to make the effort, I encourage you to consider why you want to change and who the change is for. Whatever answers you give are correct; there are no wrong answers unless you don’t like your response. And if you don’t like your answers, then change your reasons or change your goal.

A word of caution: while looking at “who” and “why” is a good start to moving toward success, the answers to these questions likely won’t maintain momentum when the path gets rocky. Tomorrow we’ll consider other ways to clarify what you really want.

Rule #1: there is no starting gun. You can, of course, decide to start or stop something as of midnight or you may set a date for sometime in the future. Experience will probably tell you that expecting meaningful, lasting change to begin with the snap of your fingers is unrealistic.

Rule #2 is do-overs are allowed. If the change is something you really want, it’s  worthy of your time and attention, and a few obstacles or relapses can’t keep you from your goal.

Rule #3 is consider what it is you really want. That’s a post or two for another day.

Rule #4 is contemplate how you got where you are. Here’s the real purpose of today’s post. I’d like to suggest you write your thoughts down. Your thoughts will be better organized and you will have something to which you can refer later. You may list more than three; I ask that you list at least three.

• Make yourself comfortable now, right where you are.
• Take a breath and center yourself.
• Consider three things you’re grateful for that happened in 2011. Sometimes it’s easier to begin with something that you had no control over, like “My team won a championship” or “My kid learned how to ride a bike.” Ask yourself what it is that sparks gratitude. It might be something like “It was really fun to follow a team that never quit” or “My kid just kept trying and now he’s becoming more independent and growing up.” You may find important nuggets of inspiration in others’ accomplishments.
• Articulate three of your accomplishments in 2011.
• Now consider three things that you are in the process of completing. Perhaps you’re looking for a different job or you’ve been losing weight and have more to go. Embrace your persistence and appreciate the challenges that you faced in your progress. Acknowledge what it took for you to prevail over obstacles.

Coaching tip of the day: When they first reflect on the past year, many of my clients voice frustration for not being where they want to be, and it’s OK to acknowledge if a year has been crappy. I urge them–and you–to go further than being frustrated at not being further along. Look closer at the year, you’re sure to see progress, even if it’s incremental and not monumental. You’re probably a lot closer to your goal than you would have been had you not chosen to take action.

Now toast the passing of the old and the coming of the new.  See you next year!

Monday’s exercise was one of those great ideas that no one really wanted to do.

So first we worked through the resistance. And in so doing, we described qualities of good elevator speeches, one of which was that a good one is authentic.

What happened next was amazing. One-by-one group members articulated what it was they deeply wanted to do (it is a job seekers group, after all), who they wanted to work with and under what conditions.

And one-by-one they articulated things they rarely or never shared before. It was a lot like what I described in the earlier post “Oh Yes It Will.” We were cracking the walls of their reservoirs. We were getting to their authentic longings and dreams.

Suddenly the discomfort of “selling” themselves washed away. In its place came hesitancy and fear as well as energy. The elevator speech became two authentic sentences, both scary and sacred, and it’s from this sacredness that energy and strength emerge to overcome the fear.

The point to consider is this: when we’re uncomfortable with something, it may mean that there’s something that rings false for us. Maybe we need to uncover our truth. Let our authenticity energize us and move us forward.